Warning: Impending Celebrity Bloating

Blech. It's only the beginning of the awards season (as screamed daily by E!) and I'm already feeling the celebrity bloat. It generally happens by the week of the Oscars, when I can't read one more story about Teri Hatcher's dress or Jack Nicholson's acceptance speech(s) from three awards shows back. When the Oscars finally arrive, I'm like a petulant child who's had too much candy. Grumpy, but back for more.

I think I jumped the gun too early last night, because I started watching E!'s coverage at the insane hour of 5:30 p.m. I sat through 2 1/2 hours of coverage, and although Ryan Seacrest is an improvement over Star "vader-breather" Jones, it's not a huge improvement. He's pretty much the pits.

Why do I tune in? Because like any decent hollywood watcher, I want to see the STARS and their fashions. Or should I say stylist's fashions, because no one picks their own clothes anymore. Everyone's afraid of making a bad choice. Please, give me Cher, give me Bjork, give me Sharon Stone, give me Lara Flynn Boyle - any of these characters lend spice in an otherwise tasteful boring red carpet which has been the case for the past 5 years. Overall, it was really tame and kind of boring.

I thought the only housewife who didn't look like a Whore Barbie was Felicity Huffman. (You should know I am not a fan of them in general, so this is biased.) Also looking good were...Gwyneth, Rachel Weisz (minus Elvis hair), Michelle Williams, Reese, Natalie, Emma Thompson. Special shout-out to George Clooney for wearing a tux correctly - collar down - and he owns it. Jeff Daniels looked good, but needed to take his hands out of his pockets. Colin Firth looked edible.

Not so good? Well, the Whore Barbies. Poor Drew Barrymore - her dress just made her ample bust and great figure look like that of a middle-aged librarian (and I do dig her curves, trust me). And, in general, I don't dig the black scarf - Thurston Howell III- thing that Adrien Brody was sporting last night.

Some red carpet gaffes: when Joan Rivers thought that Colin Firth was Emma Thompson's husband, Gregg Wise, and then proceeded to thank him and kiss him for the "most romantic ending to a movie this year" - meaning the screen version of Pride and Prejudice. Colin just gritted his teeth and stepped away. Giuliana DiPandi (from E!) talking to David S. who just looked completely nonplussed and irritated when she showed him her "Mrs. Clooney" compact. Isaac Mizrahi asking Eva Longoria what was going on "down there - did you wax?"

I realize this post had nothing to do with the actual awards - the only thing I have to say about them is why oh why did they add that clip of "Meet Joe Black" to the reel for Sir Anthony Hopkins? That is the worst movie I have ever seen, and I'm sure Sir Anthony does not want to remember it either.